birthdays are weird.

well. it's not my birthday anymore. it ended 55 minutes ago. i have been 20 for a full day and 55 minutes.
i'm not sure how to feel about this.

don't get me wrong, i had a perfectly lovely day. i went out to a delicious french lunch with my beautiful friend mash. love her. we were waited on by an adorable french boy with dreadlocks. so perfect. we then proceeded to meet up with our lover, one mr. rick steves at barnes and noble. we spent a good while with him, dreaming of europe. i, then, enjoyed a delightful meal of leftovers and hung out with the family. and then went over to lindsays house, her parents took us out for ice cream and then we watched driving lessons *marry me, rupert grint*.
it was a wonderful day.

the assortment of birthday wishes is what has got me all weird about birthdays. i got birthday wishes from my loved ones. the ones that knew that today was my birthday. love them. and then there were birthday wishes from people i never talk to, that i haven't seen in years, that wouldn't know it was my birthday unless facebook was telling them. they don't talk to me, i don't talk to them, why, on my birthday, i just don't understand. you can just say happy birthday and then disappear for another year? not that i don't appreciate the birthday wishes, i do, i truly do, they just confuse me is all. and then there's the people that should know it's my birthday, the ones that i expect a "happy birthday!" from, that don't say anything at all. i think it's the people that i never talk to that wish me happy birthday make this hurt the most. if these people can see that it's my birthday and wish me a good day, even though we don't talk outside of this, why can't you, who i talk to, who i consider a friend, wish me a happy birthday? i would wish you a happy birthday. i know when your birthday is. without facebook's help. i do wish you a happy birthday. why don't i matter? it hurts. i'm sorry i probably sound so whiny but this is something that bugs the crap out of me every year.

should i stop telling people happy birthday? should i only say happy birthday to those who say it to me? i want to tell you happy birthday, but you ignored me. so should i cut you out of my happy birthday circuit now? i should be nice and say i don't care, that i'll say happy birthday. and to some of you, yes, i probably will, but for others, i guess you're cutting me out of your life and this is your way of doing it. so thanks for delivering that message to me on my birthday, a day that should be entirely happy, you just make it confusing and painful.

i'm so over this.

but really, to everyone that wished me a happy birthday, thank you from the bottom of my heart! thank you thank you thank you!

confidence

i need a good dose of confidence.
yes. i'll go to the drug store, and go pick me up a bottle of confidence.

oh if only it were that easy.

oh bus crush, i just want to talk to you. we have eye chemistry. i know you want to talk to me too. maybe. you even looked right at me as you stepped off the bus on monday.

dearest bus crush, each time i see you i'm worried it might be the last time, and i really should talk to you, everyone tells me to, but bringing myself to do it is not as easy as they say.

it's not that i don't want to talk to you, i do! i really do, i'm just so timid... i just keep hoping you'll do it first. it almost happened twice! maybe? if only that stupid boy hadn't sat down next to me right before you got there, or if i hadn't been talking to my friend, the one day she rode the bus with me, one day, that one day you were on it, you felt our eye chemistry.

i just hope i can muster up the courage to talk to you next time.

i won't ever find him

he's not out there.

and it breaks my heart.

i guess i should train myself

to not believe anything anyone says.
they're just words.
empty promises.
i get my hopes up.
i take you seriously.
and get horribly shot down.
i wish people would only say things if they actually meant them.

grrrrr

this is freaking stupid.
i'm not happy.

you know if this is for you.

to my lovely friends. the true ones, that love me through thick and thin, that are always there no matter what

i am so grateful for you. for every little thing you do for me. you have no idea how much you mean to me. if it weren't for you i don't know how i would have gotten through the ridiculous-ness that is my life. i probably wouldn't have to be honest. thank you for listening to me talk about all the shit that i go through. thank you for your advice. thank you for just being there. knowing that you're there gives me comfort. thank you for your hugs. thank you for trusting me. thank you for being someone that i can trust. that i can talk to anything about, it means the world to me.

thank you so much.
i love you.
and i'm always here for you.

friends for life?

i can't help but feel i'm being left out, or forgotten, like everyone is living their life and leaving me in the dust. i mean i know that people live thier lives, so change is inevitable, but don't forget me! i guess it just hurts. i had some good friends that i thought would be my friends for life but i guess we drifted apart? it's just really hard when you talk to someone and they are really superficial about being my friend, it just isn't the same... hey how are you? good, how are you? is not enough to hold a friendship together, in my opinion. also, getting engaged and not telling me/using facebook to announce that? really? and ohp not inviting me to the wedding. i guess we weren't friends like i thought we were. it hurts. also, feeling like you can't talk freely with one of your best friends about anything is sad. i just feel like i'm the only one working at a lot of the friendships in my life. it's always me trying to get a hold of you, hang out with you. i know you are busy but honestly i'm busy too and i make time to talk to you, to try to hear what's up in your life, but you never do that for me. i try and try and you never reply, and it really pains me, but there's a point at which i can't do it anymore, i can't try to initiate communication with you because it hurts me too much when you don't reply. damn. friendship only works if both people work at it. and i feel like i'm pulling all the slack around here. i guess i wish that i could give up our friendship as easily as you have, that i could just not care, but i can't do that and i don't know how to start, because i know that you're not gonna try and i can't make you.

damn, this sucks.
i guess that's life though eh?

sleep deprivation always reminds me of you.

i don't know how to go about this situation. 

i feel i'm damned if i don and i'm damned if i don't. 

we weren't ever really friends. 

i feel like if i keep this up my heart will do something i don't want it to. 

i don't want to like you more than i should because i feel, no i know, you don't feel the same way back. 

so what are we?

i need a good ol' define the relationship chat with you. a dtr, if  you will. 

because i can't handle a broken heart.

and i hope that carrying this on won't lead to that.

this makes me laugh. always.

so. flipping. good.

well my life

is a series of ups and downs.
right now i'm trying to see the ups through the enormous down i'm in....

i just need a bear hug from 1 of 4 people. 2 of them live in another state. i'm sure i'll never see one of them ever again. and the other two are so hard to get a hold of it's probably not going to happen any time soon.

you know it's bad when you're blinking back tears during organic chemistry class.
fuck.

now for the ups... cuz i can't go to french class in tears.

i saw a beautiful ordination yesterday.
my friend julie was ordained as a pastor into the elca lutheran church.
and she's so wonderful
she's already touched so many lives.
she's going to help so many people.
i'm so happy for her.
and i'm excited for the work that she's about to begin.

fuck my life

fuck it.

i can't start to get happy about something.

i plan something out. have to change other plans, make things fit just right.
get it all done.

start to get happy about it.

life says, no, fuck you.

crushes my plan.

at 2:30 in the fucking morning.

the morning before my huge organic chemistry exam.

fuck it.

everything i do, no. you're not fucking good enough. you aren't allowed to be this happy.
i guess i should have stopped trying.
i should have known that i shouldn't be happy about this, that something would fuck it over for me.
too bad i let myself get excited for something.

i feel sick to my stomach.

sometimes i wonder

what i'm doing with my life
if i'm going the right way
if i'm making the right decisions.

don't get me wrong, i love my life, i couldn't ask for better friends.
i love where i live.
i love who i am. and who i'm becoming.

but i'm starting to doubt what i'm doing. i can't stand school. i had this huge plan. finish undergrad in 3 years. go directly to med school. do not pass go. do not collect $200. graduate from med school. then directly to residency. and on to become an orthopedic surgeon.

12 years. is a very long time. i know that the second half of med school is like the start of my career and residency isn't school. but it's still learning. it's still another 5 years before i am officially an orthopedic surgeon.

i am 2 years into this plan. and i am terrified. 10 more years? i don't know if that is for me. i know i would enjoy being a surgeon, but i don't want to lose 10 more years of my life to schooling before i can say that i have officially started my career.

i feel like there's so much pressure to go go go. go to college. go start your career. make money. support yourself. it's all so rushed. i want to live my life. i want to enjoy it and right now i'm not enjoying being rushed.

i just want to sit, to be still and to let the world and its chaos pass me by. i want to travel, i want to experience so many different things. but that requires money. and therefore i need to get a career to get this money to pay for the things i want to do.

it's a never ending cycle.

oh well

i have faith that my life will turn out alright


maybe

it breaks my heart

that you can be friends with someone
no
best friends

you have someone that you can talk to about anything
and then you just disappear off of the planet
you say you're going through a lot of stuff
so fine that's cool

but then 3 months later? no.
and fine if you just don't want to be friends with me just let me know.
but really it's a bitch move what you're doing.
i didn't think you'd act like this with me. after 7 and a half years.
thanks. i guess that shows me what our friendship really meant to you.

we live in a beautiful world

days like today make me smile

my heart does a little happy dance

and i walk around with a huge smile on my face



but really how can you not??

just look at the beautiful blue colorado sky, see the shades of green, yellow and red trees against the huge blue mountains, and oh those flatirons...



all the parents walking around cu being adorable, little kids running in circles on pearl street "i want to see the train!!"

awwwww you're too cute



the air is crisp and clean, just cool enough to wear a jacket, but the sun still warms your skin



oh autumn, i'm in love with you.

friday was glorious

mmmmm cold weather

and shopping

then a movie

and a brisk 2 mile walk.....

thennnnnnnn

tacky prom!!!

i love my life.

love.

i'm having a rough day

damn it.



but you know what?

fall makes it better.

autumn is so amazing, the fact that the sky is beautiful blue and the trees are changing from lush greens to shades of orange, yellow, and red makes my life.

and that i can wear a jacket in this glorious weather.

i love the smells of fall, mmmmm, the cool breeze coupled with the warm sunshine on my face can brighten my day any time.

and yes, i will go slightly out of my way to step on that crunchy looking leaf.

fall makes me all nostalgic

i want to rake piles of leaves and then jump in them.

drink hot cocoa.

sit outside wearing a cute coat and an adorable hat and reading a great book.

i adore fall.





and: something that made me giggle : canadian french textbooks



translate these phrases

1. what is a creme chibouste?

2. what are you doing with those knives? why are you looking at me like that? what did i ever do to offend you?



hahahahahaha too flipping good



another thing that makes my day better : tegan and sara on monday!!!!!!! i. am. so. freaking. excited.

i love them.
and i love you.
have a wonderful night

je ne sais pas

je ne sais pas.


c'est tout.



je ne comprends pas. je ne vais jamais trouver un garçon. pourquoi? pourquoi est-ce que je toujours, toujours rencontre les garçons qui me maltraite? je ne pense pas que je le mérite. je n'ai fait rien a toi, rien. et tu n'as pas de problème avec me donnant coup après coup. ça me donne trop de tension, dans la tête, dans le coeur. je dit encore, je n'ai fait rien a toi. j'ai pensé que tu n'étais pas comme les autres. gentil, drôle, sympathique. j'ai pensé que tu avais été un gentilhomme. non. comme les autres, tu prends ça que tu veux et après tu pars. tu ne penses pas de moi. j'espère que c'était un malentendu, mais après tous les jours, je sais. tu m'as utilisée. dit a moi qu'est-ce que tu veux. c'est trop vague pour moi. je ne sais pas comment les hommes le font. ils veux nous blessent? j'espère que ce n'est pas vrai, que tu as un coeur. mais, maintenant je ne le crois pas. tu veux me blesser. tu me déteste. si tu te sens diffèrent, je te demande dit-moi, je t'en prie.

désolée pour le mauvais français

bonne nuit

hesitation is always mine.

every 10 year old enemy soldier thinks falling bombs are shooting stars sometimes but she doesn't make wishes on them

when she wishes, she wishes for less ways to wish for more ways to work toward it


umm,so haha i don't know what to write for my first post... i guess i'll tell you where you're coming into my life? and maybs a little bit about me?

i'm caroline. i never capitalize anything. but i can't stand for bad grammar. it's not that hard to learn the difference between their, there, and they're, they're three different words.

i'm a pretty emotional person and i jump to conclusions. so if i talk to you and you don't reply i think that you hate me. my emotions change like crazy, i could be having the shittiest day ever and then see an awkwardly adorable couple and be super content. or i could be having a just fine day and if someone is sassy with me i'll get really upset. so yeah i'm complicated.

i don't understand boys. i think they are confusing and complicated as hell. they make things harder than they should be. they send mixed signals. i get stressed out *see above*. but despite all of that i still believe there's someone out there for me. "i've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie... i want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real"... music explains me and my life better than i can *see below*

music means the world to me. without it i would suffocate. i listen to music 24-7-365. it's always in my head, in my heart, in my dreams. it's my addiction and i wouldn't trade it for anything ever ever ever. words cannot express my love of music.

other random facts.
i take way too many pictures. i still read little kids books. i play bandits. and secret agents. i love colorado. europe is in my blood. i have little self restraint. i had a big plan for my life. but now it's changing and i have no idea what's going to happen. i love to talk. i love to cuddle. my hair is my favorite aspect of my appearance, it's kind of a big deal for me. i knit. i aspire to be like an old british man in that, i want to have a pipe that i smoke, and i want to drink brandy. i spend more money on clothes than i should. my nails are rarely ever a normal color. i wish i was more artsy. i have the best friends in the world. and really i could tell you about me forever, so really if you'd like to hear, ask, i'll tell.

but i think that's all for now

xoxo