birthdays are weird.

well. it's not my birthday anymore. it ended 55 minutes ago. i have been 20 for a full day and 55 minutes.
i'm not sure how to feel about this.

don't get me wrong, i had a perfectly lovely day. i went out to a delicious french lunch with my beautiful friend mash. love her. we were waited on by an adorable french boy with dreadlocks. so perfect. we then proceeded to meet up with our lover, one mr. rick steves at barnes and noble. we spent a good while with him, dreaming of europe. i, then, enjoyed a delightful meal of leftovers and hung out with the family. and then went over to lindsays house, her parents took us out for ice cream and then we watched driving lessons *marry me, rupert grint*.
it was a wonderful day.

the assortment of birthday wishes is what has got me all weird about birthdays. i got birthday wishes from my loved ones. the ones that knew that today was my birthday. love them. and then there were birthday wishes from people i never talk to, that i haven't seen in years, that wouldn't know it was my birthday unless facebook was telling them. they don't talk to me, i don't talk to them, why, on my birthday, i just don't understand. you can just say happy birthday and then disappear for another year? not that i don't appreciate the birthday wishes, i do, i truly do, they just confuse me is all. and then there's the people that should know it's my birthday, the ones that i expect a "happy birthday!" from, that don't say anything at all. i think it's the people that i never talk to that wish me happy birthday make this hurt the most. if these people can see that it's my birthday and wish me a good day, even though we don't talk outside of this, why can't you, who i talk to, who i consider a friend, wish me a happy birthday? i would wish you a happy birthday. i know when your birthday is. without facebook's help. i do wish you a happy birthday. why don't i matter? it hurts. i'm sorry i probably sound so whiny but this is something that bugs the crap out of me every year.

should i stop telling people happy birthday? should i only say happy birthday to those who say it to me? i want to tell you happy birthday, but you ignored me. so should i cut you out of my happy birthday circuit now? i should be nice and say i don't care, that i'll say happy birthday. and to some of you, yes, i probably will, but for others, i guess you're cutting me out of your life and this is your way of doing it. so thanks for delivering that message to me on my birthday, a day that should be entirely happy, you just make it confusing and painful.

i'm so over this.

but really, to everyone that wished me a happy birthday, thank you from the bottom of my heart! thank you thank you thank you!

confidence

i need a good dose of confidence.
yes. i'll go to the drug store, and go pick me up a bottle of confidence.

oh if only it were that easy.

oh bus crush, i just want to talk to you. we have eye chemistry. i know you want to talk to me too. maybe. you even looked right at me as you stepped off the bus on monday.

dearest bus crush, each time i see you i'm worried it might be the last time, and i really should talk to you, everyone tells me to, but bringing myself to do it is not as easy as they say.

it's not that i don't want to talk to you, i do! i really do, i'm just so timid... i just keep hoping you'll do it first. it almost happened twice! maybe? if only that stupid boy hadn't sat down next to me right before you got there, or if i hadn't been talking to my friend, the one day she rode the bus with me, one day, that one day you were on it, you felt our eye chemistry.

i just hope i can muster up the courage to talk to you next time.

i won't ever find him

he's not out there.

and it breaks my heart.

i guess i should train myself

to not believe anything anyone says.
they're just words.
empty promises.
i get my hopes up.
i take you seriously.
and get horribly shot down.
i wish people would only say things if they actually meant them.