i just want to stop crying.

why does this happen on my birthday?

thanks "friends"

oh christmas!

my papa is in the addition watching judge joe brown

my mom and sister are in the living room playing wii resort

and i am in the kitchen. listening to sufjan and baking cookies.

i love christmas.

so don't let the world bring you down

not everyone is that fucked up and cold

remember why you came and while you're alive

experience the warmth before you grow old

oh geeze

i'm awkward

and first interactions are always awkward

i get all flustered and can't make good conversation

but really, we just met, how could we be amazing conversationalists off the bat?

i dunno.

but i hope i didn't mess things up.

caroline is....

an awkward robot

well geeze

i just looked at this blog.

i am downright depressing.

sorry everybody

i need to blog when i'm happy, not just when i'm sad.

and i'm happy!

i had a wonderful thanksgiving break!

got to spend some quality time with my friends and the fam

had a great time skiing

ate a lot of delicious food in wonderful company

went shopping with my mommy and little sis

(and i'm getting a dress form for christmas!)

i have 2 weeks of schools + finals and then it's winter break!!

gotta bust out some hardcore schoolwork.

then it'll be winter!!

excellent.

i need a hug

why is my life never how i would like it to be?

this blows.

and i have noone to give me a hug.

bad.

i am

i am shot down
i am confused
i am lonely
i am sleepy
i am worried
i am not up for this right now
i am

i wish

boys would behave like i want them to. it's not fair.

aaah summer has come so quickly!

that's what she said.....

anyways, update on my life. i passed all of my finals! i didn't do as well as i had hoped but oh well. i met a cute boy, hopefully he doesn't read this and think i'm a creeper hahaha

and

i leave for europe tomorrow!!

so i'll be blogging here!

love!

oh goodness

i'm so terrible at this blogging thing
i said i'd get better
and i didn't
i'm sorry...

updates.

i talked to bus crush!!!! yay, i wish we had exchanged numbers. or that i had talked to him earlier.... oh well. hopefully i'll see him soon?

snowboarding season is over. sad day friends.

i'm going to europe in 14 days. terrifying and exciting all at the same time. i don't know if i'm prepared.

i can't focus on school.

or on anything really.
i just want to go get coffee with bus crush. and by coffee i mean he can drink coffee and i'll drink tea.

aah
i'm in fort collins at my favorite place ever, alley cat, drinking some formosa oolong tea and having good chat with my friend kayla.

i'm getting a hair cut tomorrow morning! yay.

love you all.

ramblings and apologies

happy easter!

i'm sitting at home, sipping on jim beam and ginger ale, a classic holiday drink for my family

the smells of salmon, ham, and potatoes are wafting in from the kitchen

and i'm blogging on my daddy's computer, so no pictures =/

it's been the loveliest of gloomy days

foggy and rainy and gray, i love days like this

i woke up at 5:45 to drive the hour and a quarter-ish from the mountains to denver

went to easter service, came home and made crepes with strawbs, whipped cream, honey, and nutella for my family and then took a good nap while watching harry potter

my weekends have been spent in the mountains

so i have a pretty intense goggle tan, well i think it's pretty intense, i don't know if anyone else notices, maybe it's because it's my face, so i notice it more

i'm sorry for being terrible at blogging, school and snowboarding take up the majority of my time.

i'm going to try to be more consistant

and if i'm following your blog and haven't commented you

it's because i'm awkward and shy, not because i'm a creeper

i'm going to work on commenting

yep.

and this blog may become a europe blog, i don't know yet... it may be my other blog

easter dinner is on the table gotta go!

love.

lazybones

i'm the laziest of lazy bones
i sit around
internet-ing
i skipped my last class today
came home, made rice-a-roni
made a skirt, but didn't finish it
bah i've been sitting around all afternoon
i should do something with my life
mmmm

shave my legs?
go to the gym for 4 hours?
bake goodies?
finish my skirt?
study?

bah
do something.

also

i had a dream that everything in sephora was 75% off

and am terribly upset that it wasn't true

well darn

i simply cannot find a necklace to go with my outfit

this is terrible

what if i see bus crush today and he isn't attracted to me because of my lack of accessorization?

crisis.

i should go accessory shopping

do you dream at all?

because i don't believe you do

dear anyone that reads this

i'm terribly sorry that i haven't blogged in forever

i'm a mess.

this month has been overwhelming.

school is getting to be too much for me.

i just can't focus.

let's hope i can change this.

i cut a cancerous black tumor out of my heart.

it's proving to be harder to get out of my head than i'd like it to be.

i'm slipping back into old habits.

ones that noone knows about.

i think i've got it under control for now.

and i can't help but feel left out.

most of the time.
boo.

but.

i get to see one of my best friends tomorrow!

yay bangers and mash time =)

and i get to see my darling friend sanna this week!

horray for spring break!

and i got to have a lovely day sunning on the slopes with my friend stacy today =)

i have a lovely farmers tan to prove it =p

horray for focusing on positive things!

and going to bed on a happy note

weheartit

night loves.

what's this?

something doesn't feel right

i'm feeling off
and alone

i feel like i did something

or said something

and now noone wants to talk to me

or be around me

i feel like i'm fat

like i'm not pretty

and that i'm just failing in general

like i don't know what i'm going to do with my life

what's going to happen?

am i going to succeed? or will i end up in the gutter?

will anyone ever love me?

i don't think so.

boo.

i hate down days.

goodness

i've been gone for a while

but it is really late...

but i felt like i should post....

here's some william carlos williams love

This is just to say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

oh, bother...

i saw bus crush today

he sat down right next to me

i was at a loss for words. so we just awkwardly sat. i think he was looking at me. but i'm way too timid to look at him when he's sitting that close, let alone say anything.

dang it

this is so frustrating.

caroline and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week

i have food poisoning

all i want to do is sleep

but i have to go to physiology lab for 4 hours... and i'm supposed to exercise today... let's hope someone will take pity on me and volunteer to exercise in my place

this truly is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week

oh, weekends...

i love weekends. mine are especially nice because they span a 4 day period, making my week 3 days long. glorious. so on friday morning i decided that i would make my first dress. i had some super cheap fabric that i got forever ago to play with.... so i spent most of the day cutting and pinning fabric and laboring away at my sewing machine and this is what i made!

sorry i look like crap in these pics... haha

this is me trying to show movement of the dress, and failing awkwardly...

so that was a party... then saturday i went thrifting and got 3 dresses for 8.99 that i plan to reconstruct! so exciting!

then on sunday i went up to copper with my roomie and her friend.... and shredded pow for 6, yes 6 hours... excellent day... then we went to a party in summit and i met a cute blonde boy... aww cutie haha...

then today we rode for another 4 hours (10 hours in 2 days= my knee hates me) and came home to a night of heroes and secret diary of a call girl...

all in all a good weekend...

bah

why can't i get a job?
i'm super unemployed
painfully unemployed

i'm qualified!
hire me!

please?

just a few things...

1. i now have a blog for happy things. not that this blog will not be happy anymore, but that one will be my dream world and this will be my real world. and as in anyone's real world there are ups and downs. so if you care about knowing what's going on with me keep on reading this blog. if you want to know what i think is just dandy and see pretty pictures and read pretty poems go here. and if you want both read this blog and that one!!

2. i'm working on my writing skills. any feedback [on either blog on any post] is greatly appreciated.

3. i want there to be leaves on the trees.

4. "boy, boy, crazy boy, get cool, boy. got a rocket, in your pocket. keep coolie cool boy." i love westside story

the end.

closure (he won't read this)

dear sir, [you won't read this, but if you do you'll know it's about you] Current mood:hurt
i admit it
i don't know what our relationship is. i know it's extremely casual. but even in the most casual of relationships [that i have ever had] i have never felt so mistreated. so used. so taken for granted.
i don't know if this is how you treat all people [and i suspect that it isn't]. but really i'm not some piece of crap that you find on the side of the road. you shouldn't treat someone like this. how would you feel if someone treated someone you love like you're treating me? i have a [strong] feeling that you would want to beat that person to a pulp.

don't ignore me for days. show up randomly and then continue ignoring me after you got what you wanted. that's not the way things work.

parasite par·a·site (pār'ə-sīt')n.
An organism that grows, feeds, and is sheltered on or in a different organism while contributing nothing to the survival of its host.

i feel like you're my own personal parasite. i am determined to get rid of you and then you burst in out of nowhere and confuse the hell out of me. you consume my mind. i can't understand you. [believe me, i've tried]

i don't know what signal you got when we met, but [i'm assuming] it was different than the one i [thought i] was sending. i shouldn't have gone along with what happened [but i'm weak so], i did. i should have known you'd never care for me, never love me, never even think of me that way. [and in the back of my mind i probably did know].

but i have this thing where i am too forgiving, where i try to see the best in people [always]. so you hurt me again and again. after what happened with that weekend i should have stopped[stopped altogether. cut you out of my mind] that should have been the breaking point.
how could you think that you'd pushed someone over the edge and then ignore them? if you truly cared about them [even the tiniest bit] you would see if they were ok. you wouldn't ignore them. any person would know that would be the last thing to do to bring a person back from the edge. and no, you ruining the weekend did not push me over the edge. [you ignoring me broke my heart].

it should have stopped there. [but again i'm weak and try to think the best of people]. you went away. i should have known to stop. you're thousands of miles away. don't lead me on like this. and then don't disrespect me, telling me about the girls that you're trying to sleep with. that hurts. i don't care how casual this relationship is, that stings like salt in an open wound.
i'm finished. i'm stopping [said i, before you came home]. stay on the coast [and out of my life]. but nope, you came back. wanted to hang out. led me on [and then pulled away]. leaving me confused again. and this time worried, i worried about you. [god, i'm such a fool for trying to care for someone that will never care for me] . then the next day you're "casually looking for love" and "scratched up after she rocked you hard" [ice] like a hand over my mouth, keeping me from breathing. my lungs collapsing in.

" he's using you" " would you expect any more from him? he's not worth investing anything in" "you deserve better and he's not worth your time" [i adore my friends] i shed the last of my tears for you. you had stopped replying to my texts. [you don't care for me, i get it]

then you show up. with people. uninvited. after all of this. [shock. pure shock]. i had no idea what to do other than be nice[and very confused].

so this is it, my written affirmation, that everytime something involves you, no matter how happy i may be to begin with it will all come crashing down [because you don't care for me and you never saw me as anything worth caring for] and i will be more hurt than ever [i can't find the good in everyone]

don't pay him any attention...

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they go right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together."~Marilyn Monroe

this quote made my day way way way better... after it peaked, and then crashed... so it was a good pick me up... along with watching this like 12 times....

and with that, i bid you goodnight...

story time!

i love to readdddd

i wish i did it more... let's work on that












Instructions:

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.

2) Underline those you intend to read.

3) Italicise the books you LOVE.


1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare(i've read lots though...)

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma - Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis ... this is part of the chronicles...

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo





28 out of 100... i should get to reading!!!

happy thoughts.

i carry it in my heart

i feel like blogging today
lots of blogging
but, alas, i have no words on my tongue to speak

so i will let e.e. cummings do the work

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

new years

so we are 11 days into the new years. wow. how did that happen? well i haven't made any resolutions, i haven't had any time it feels like... i'll ponder on this... now... haha well here we go..





1. i will not be pushed around, i will see the world as it comes to me... friendship is a two way street, i can't be the only one that tries in the relationship, this hurts me to say but it's true and i need to stick to it. too many times have i been hurt, crushed by a friendship where they only are my friend when they need me, not when i need them. it hurts, and it's sad, but it's like leading myself on, to a friendship that isn't really there...



2. i am going to *try very hard* to be not so lazy... i will not wait until the night before to study for tests. i will do my schoolwork in a timely matter. i will clean my room. i will cook my own meals and make my own clothes *no, really! i'm so excited!*. i will read more books and watch less tv.



3. i will not only cook my own meals, but they will consist of more than ramen noodles, tuna, and spaghetti... i will cook healthy meals and eat more fruits and veggies. yummm. i will be more healthy.

4. i will take walks. just because i love them and miss them. i will have time for myself everyday. just time to reflect. time for peace.

5. i will not push myself into relationships, i will let them happen. if something is not meant to be i will not force it. if it doesn't feel right, it's not right.

well i think that's enough for my little brain to handle... at least for 2009...

feelin fine in oh9

love.

dear my poor little forgotten blog,

i'm coming back!
i'm sorry about my long time away
i promise to give you more love

starting....

now!